Alive never felt so good

 I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And no one reads these anymore, so no one cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm still excited, so that doesn't bother me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you hear the falsetto and sing-song in that? Ok, so pardon all the exclamation points, but i've officially overcome something major (and sometimes evil), the much-whispered experience that will send shivers down your spine: Student teaching. Alright, alright, so it's not officially done yet, but it might as well be. I have no more lessons to plan, no more papers to grade...only a couple more things to e-mail to Grace, applications and other paperwork to take care of, and a few odds and ends I can't deal with till i get back to the States. This is exam week, so all we have to do is give tests and grade them...we didn't have our answer key today, so I've found other semi-productive things to occupy my time.

Hmmm...you know, i really don't have anything to talk about. I think i lost my life somewhere in this experience, although some would argue i didn't have much of a life to begin with. I wouldn't say that's necessarily true. At any rate, i'm leaving for Cambodia in 5 days; hopefully, i can get everything figured out with the bus and tickets i'll need to make my way to the border. I've started studying Khmer again, so hopefully that'll help.

I'm a little sad about missing Christmas again, although i do enjoy this tropical climate immensely. I think i will probably be in pain when i go home. Oh, well. I've survived before. Hey, it's after 3 p.m. That means I can go. I hope this wasn't as scatterbrained as it feels, but then, I guess that would be pretty reflective of me at this point.

U-turns & Detours

Well, I don't really have time to writing like this, but I've got a lot on my mind. I do only have 8 actual teaching days left before exams -- and then student teaching will at long last be over. Yet, even in the thrills of the final push, i find myself already looking ahead. What do i do when this is over? I'll be done. It's the middle of the school year. Should I be panicking about finding a job? Honestly, I don't even want to think about it. I kind of just want to disappear.

The trip to Khon Kaen was not the adventure or break i'd hoped for...it was hard, confusing, exhausting, and just gave me more things to think about. I enjoyed meeting and spending time with the Offuts, as well as getting to hang out with Jom Jam again and her family...but i really struggled while i was there to be...i dunno, myself.

It started in the Bangkok airport. I tried to sneak a bunch of liquids on the plane, felt sort of guilty - which resulted in getting caught, and had to throw a bunch of full bottles away. That made me irritated. The flying experience was different, which was kind of neat, b/c i had to get bussed out to the plane and boarded on a staircase like you see in old movies. Maybe it was flying, but by the time i got to Khon Kaen, i was wiped out and had accomplished nothing. I spent the next morning talking to a girl about my age who's been teaching MKs for campus outreach for the last couple of years, and she showed me their "school." She started hinting at my taking her place, and i tried to politely tell her my heart wasn't for MK's...although i like them and recognize the need. I want to teach in Asia to teach Asians. I think she got a little offended, b/c it was kind of hard to talk to her after that. Great. Me and my big mouth.

Spent the afternoon trying to grade and watching the Offuts practice their TG skit for church this morning. That was funny. Then, went to dinner with Jom Jam and her family, along with Ted and Kaylin. It was good to connect those two families...but the downside for me was a lot of the conversation was in Thai, so I couldn't really follow along. Exhausted again that evening, I ended up watching Slum Dog Millionaire with Kylie, which i really liked. Went to church this morning, which was in Thai, except for the skit...and got some pictures from that. I was really kind of bummed i didn't get much of a tour of Khon Kaen b/c i couldn't really take any photos from the car. So, most of them came from church -- which will mean nothing to anyone but me.

My plane to Bangkok left 30 minutes late. Mai ben rai is quickly becoming my philosophy too. The line for the public taxis was insanely long, and it took me at least 20-30 minutes to get one. There was a 50 baht surcharge for hiring through the airport, which made it pricey, too. At long last i made it back to ICS, only to be hampered by people leaving their laundry in the washer (i literally have no clothes to wear to school tomorrow if i can't do laundry tonight). On top of that, I have an entire lesson to plan and create (with no ideas) and all the stuff i didn't get done over the weekend b/c i was traveling...plus, i get an email telling me that a REALLY close friend of my family died yesterday in a car accident on black ice on a MI highway. As far as we know, he wasn't a Christian. My day went from a struggle to ugly in 2.5 seconds.

If I could explain all the confusion about life and death, dreams and reality, and unexpected complications, I would do so. There's so much i'm afraid to think about yet b/c i seriously just DON'T KNOW what to do. It reminds me of Bangkok traffic...to get almost anywhere, you have to take these designated U-turns, and I hate to think that my life may have some designated detours ahead. That i'll think i have an answer only to discover that wasn't really what i wanted and have to turn around and start over. I know i wonder and worry about what's coming too much when it comes to my life, even though God has always provided the next step exactly when i need it and NEVER early. I really need to pray more. With all the busyness of student teaching, i feel not only physically depleted but spiritually as well. I'm sure that's only added to the confusion.

Well, time to go see if i can finally do some laundry...cross your fingers. This day hasn't had any luck to it yet.

Sawadikha Bangkok!

I'm in Bangkok, Thailand.

Wow, that sounds sudden, doesn't it? Especially if you haven't found a way of keeping up with me over the last several harrowing months in my life. I'm over halfway through student teaching, finishing up over here in Thailand, which means I must've survived the first part, as well as the massive student teaching project. It was looking pretty sketchy there for a while, but I pulled through. Actually, i think i had very little to do with it. My passing that first placement had everything to do with God's awesome divine intervention and the people He placed in my life:

1. My sweet roommate: Ranae did so much around the house and helped me out in so many ways, i've completely lost track of everything she did...and i'm not sure i'll ever be able to repay her. Just having someone to vent to on those endless strings of scary days went far, though.

2. My supervising teacher: This woman KNOWS how to teach, let me tell you. And if it wasn't for all her constructive criticism, advice, and encouragement, i wouldn't have made it. I definitely would've hit the self-destruct button at some point. Somehow, she put up with the inexperienced, transition-to-teaching student.

3. Adam: I put this one third b/c that's about where he showed up. Halfway through September I met a fellow student teacher on one of my worst days -- he cheered me up, and often, became the reason I forced myself to go back to school on days i didn't feel like it. His help and encouragement made a HUGE difference for me. We're dating now, in case you hadn't figured that out.

4. My family: My parents were excellent places for venting and ranting, not to mention my constant prayer warriors. They encouraged me and listened well. Plus, my brother was a fun phone call away. He could get me to laugh easily, and he helped me out a lot with coming up with fun lesson plans and creating charts for my project.

5. My friends: At church or school, the people who managed to keep up with me really made my life a "life" during that time. For instance, i don't know where i would've been without the Robinsons. Whenever I'm in WL, they are my family away from home. Their prayers, strength, and courage (especially with all they've had to face) gave me inspiration and motivation to get through. 

So, now i'm in Thailand. Hard to believe i'm back on this side of the world already. It's so completely different from Cambodia, but I'll be back there soon. It'll be fun to see everyone and use Khmer again, if I haven't already forgotten everything. Well, i may not post again while i'm over here b/c things are about to get busy. But so far, i'm enjoying myself. I think i'm going to like teaching here.

Crossroads

It's raining...and somehow that feels right. I've been so utterly wiped out for perhaps the last week that having an excuse not to go run may actually be a gift. Of course, that's not just physical exhaustion either. I finally started preparing for my student teaching unit -- on the Odyssey -- and it's taking everything out of me. Half the time, I just stare at the teacher's manual, feeling like my brain has gone on vacation. But it's not just that my brain is thinking about other things; it's more like it's not thinking at all. At every creative idea, i hit an impasse of fact and requirement. I'm getting nervous. Especially if the month i have left for planning continues on the same way. Day by day i wonder if this is really what i want to do: teach.

I told God that yesterday, and the next thought i had was: "It's not about you." That much i know, although i forget it from time to time. It's not that i doubt God wanted me to do this, either; after all, He arranged everything for me to be here and got me through all the classes and standardized tests i had to pass. Maybe what scares me is the thought of failing my future students or being so off the beaten track that i can't meet the requirements for Grace's student teaching. Maybe it would've been easier just to do TESL. Maybe the pressure is more intense during student teaching than when you have your own classroom; i hope so. Because right now, i'm seriously questioning whether i have what it takes to live with this kind of stress constantly. But then, part of that comes from still being a rookie to the education scene. I'm still learning how to be a teacher. Overall, i guess i must admit that, for whatever reason, i know this path is what God wants -- He's proved that to me in so many ways.

All the same, many times i feel like i'm at a crossroads. As i work on my unit, i'm also getting ready for the writer's conference i'm going to in a week and a half. No idea how that will go; i'm not expecting my wildest fantasies to come true -- but that would be nice. I see people all around me making choices...some select their dreams to sacrifice security, while others write off what they want to be responsible. Is one better than the other? I think it depends on the person. But i'm a slice of both, so i stand at the crossroads, hoping that somehow a road will appear that will take me down the middle of both directions i need and want to go. I don't want to choose between the two, but i will when the time comes.

I found this verse in Jeremiah 6:16, and i've been repeating it to myself a lot over the last several days: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."

At least I know what i will do when it's time to walk again...and then finally, i'll have some rest for my weary mind and soul. But for now, hope floats. I think i'll just stand here at the crossroads and look a little longer.

Chasing Dreams

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: 65 or 70
Cop: Do you know what the speed limit is through here?
Me: 60
Cop: You heading back to Grace?
Me: Basically
Cop: Is there a reason you're in such a hurry?
Me: No, not really

I got a warning, no points, no ticket. If that's not divine intervention, I don't know what is. While he was running my license, all I could think was, "This is a fine I don't need and an insurance hike I can't afford." I didn't cry or feel like I was going to. I was just stunned.

Me: (on the phone) And about 15 minutes ago, i got pulled over.
Dad: By cops?
Me: No, by ninjas.

So, i kept my sense of humor, as well as my wits. I realized it probably wasn't a good idea to tell the officer that the reason i was driving so fast was because i like to do so. But then, lately, i've felt like i've had the cruise set on something well over the speed limit in my life...then realized the highway is dividing up ahead and I have to decide which way to go by the time i get there.

To me, i guess chasing a dream is kind of like chasing a rainbow. Is there really a pot of gold? Is there really an end to it? Is it a gigantic waste of time to try? Well, even if it is, you'll never know unless you try. Only, in my case, i've realized that i'm chasing about five dreams, so i'm being yanked in about five different directions. Yet, if i don't jump and jump now, my chances of ever seeing any of them fulfilled are zero. Right now, i'm on course for teaching, which is connected to the missions in SE Asia dream. So, that's like coordinating 2 or 3 dreams at the same time (granted, they're newer dreams). Then, there's the getting published dream. I finally registered for a writer's conference over Memorial Day, so we'll see where that takes me. That's been a dream since i was in 2nd grade, so it feels more impossible. But God wired me to be a writer, so i want to take this chance and try. And keep trying.

When you're a kid, i think you have this feeling that there's so much time. You know you have these dreams, but what can you accomplish as a kid? Those are things you have to wait till you're an adult to do. And for a lot of people, i think they get hit a little too hard with a reality slap; they forget about their dreams when they're old enough to do something about them. I'm starting to wonder if my infamous sarcasm in high school and college was really a cover for the ridiculous hope and optimism i cling to, and so, now that i'm 24, i've realized that now can be someday. Now is the time to chase my dreams, even though it can be rather wearying, because i never knew i would want so many different areas in my life so badly. I'm used to pursuing one thing at a time.

I met with my supervising teacher for next fall, and she was trying to describe to me how you get a feeling for a class, for the individual kids, and for what works. After reading through all my stuff for student teaching, i was already freaked when i met with her, and thinking of what i'll do regarding classroom management and discipline is something that ties my stomach in knots...when i'm overwhelmed with everything else too. It's funny, because, the way she was describing this "feeling" reminded me of when moms tell their young daughters how they'll know when they meet the "right guy." It's the "You'll Just Know" theory. Well, i really wanted to trust my teacher that this feeling will "Just Come" to me, but to be honest, when the "You'll Just Know" theory hasn't gotten me anywhere with guys, i'm a little suspicious about the "Just Come" one. But i'll figure something out.

I always do. Still enjoying my insanely crazy life. So, this post's going out to my entertaining roommate, who killed the bat circling our living room the other night with a broom!